Your Parenting Choices Suck!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dionna-ford/time-magazine_b_1507799.html

Years ago, in a little farce I wrote for the (late, lamented) CATCO Shorts Festival, I included a line in which a mother, talking about her son, says, " I breast fed him for a long time, till his high school barred me from the cafeteria." I thought, at the time, it was a joke playing on the absurdity of breast feeding someone long after babyhood. In my innocence, imagine my surprise to read this article, and the Time Magazine cover story from which it derived.

Ok, let's stipulate something right now. These women are wrong.

Moving on, the issue here seems to be--what's that? What are you saying? How dare I judge the parenting decisions of perfect strangers? Well...someone has to do it. Someone needs to hold these people up to ridicule. I volunteer. There is a third rail of social politics these days, which seems to be "Never criticize a woman's parenting." People avoid it at all costs, afraid of reprisals from the mommy warrior classes. Avoiding these topics allows dumbasses like Jenny McCarthy to get away with not vaccinating her kids, and calling herself an expert in autism research just because she can use Google. In fact, I don't remember anything about neurology being mentioned on her Playmate Data Sheet.

No. Not every parenting decision is sacrosanct, and correct in and of itself. Just because you aren't starving your child, doesn't mean you aren't an idiot. People may call it a difference in approach, or new age parenting, or maybe even an embracing of ancient methods (which we KNOW is not the case--in ancient times,  that three year old on the Time cover wouldn't be loafing around all day nursing, he'd be out in the fields, plowing behind a mule, and smoking unfiltered cigarettes).   Well, it's mocking time, my little friend (and I am assuming here that I'm bigger than you, so step off)

J'Accuse:

1. Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding past the age when the child can carry on intelligible dinner conversation seems like poor parenting to me. Why retard that developing verbal skill by jamming your breast into his face every time he starts a hilarious anecdote about pooping during nap time in pre-school? It's laziness disguised as parenting choice--get off your ass and open a can of Spaghettios like a normal person.

Ladies. Please. Breastfeeding a three year old? Never mind you, it makes the child look ridiculous. Look at the face of the kid on the Time cover. That's the last time you'll see it looking content, when you consider the 12 years of playground hell he's in for, for being the cover boy who nursed on his mommy while wearing big boy pants. And hey, if a child is old enough to cheat his chin toward the camera in the photo sessions, he's old enough to suck on a juice box. For christ's sake!

Dionne said in her article that her four year old does not look at her breasts with any kind of sexual context. Well, I tell you, after four solid years of nursing, neither does anyone else.

And while I am on it...public breast feeding...avoid it, please. I know, I know, it's perfectly natural. Well, so is lancing a boil, but I don't want to see that either. If I had to give up dragging on a cigarette in public, your child can give up dragging on a ...

2. Nakedness

Being naked in front of your kids is also a poor parenting choice. When they are babies, sure, who cares? But when they are old enough to point and say " Look, tits!" then maybe its time to put on the tube top. Some say it's perfectly natural, and this is how we teach kids not to be ashamed of their bodies. Bullshit. You are just too lazy to do the washing. This isn't Fiji, people. This is the American Midwest, and parents should wear slacks and a golf shirt, at minimum, at all times. Even in bed.

3. War Toys

My sister, probably after reading an article in which a celebrity parent (who always seems to be so amazed at parenthood, especially when their nannies tell them about the cute thing the kid did) mentioned she didn't allow toy guns in the house,  and decided to do the same thing. And my nephew pointed at her with his finger and said, " Pow!" Boys like guns. Most boys anyway. I myself dispatched so many Germans in my childhood my nickname was Audie Murphy. And this was in the 60s, when we weren't even at war with Germany. Let em play with guns. Don't feminize them. Not letting boys play with toy guns is really reverse judging--nowadays, we would NEVER discourage a boy who likes to play with dolls, would we? Don't judge the boy, just because he'd rather shoot Barbie than accessorize her. The same long-term breast feeders who claim it doesn't adversely affect the child's sexual development are usually the same people who say playing with toy guns will.

4. Deep Involvement

Be a person, don't be a professional parent. Believe me, your opinion stopped mattering to your child the day he or she made a friend. What do I mean by professional parents?...the ones who research everything, who involve themselves in all aspects of their child's life. Lighten up. Take the summer off--put some hotdogs and chips and Kool-aid out on the counter and relax. Read a book. Not a parenting book, unless it's Carrie. Accept that your children are secretive little newts who will come to you when they really need your counsel. And that will NEVER happen.

Take it easy. Low impact parenting is best. You don't need to join every committee in the PTO. You don't need to join the PTO. Show up to a few games, school plays, awards ceremonies. That's all you need to do. That's all your child wants you to do. Do you really think that by joining everything you'll  make a difference in policy and educational or social impact? Mommy, please!  My parents had me, then there was some childhood there for a few years, in which I saw them now and then, and then I was 18 and gone. This is healthy, and time-honored. Get out of your kids way.

It has been my experience that the people whose parents were extremely involved with their lives, are the people who tend to keep things from their parents even in adulthood. Conversely, laisse-faire parents tend to produce kids who enjoy their company (once they reach adulthood--no child enjoys his parents' company after the age of 6 --7 if he's still breast-feeding).

5. Names

Immature people give their kids stupid names, because they want the cool factor to reflect back on them. They don't think about the kid who has to go through life as Apple Martin. ( Actually, I have always believed Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid that in exchange for a healthy fee from Steve Jobs). It's like a bride who focuses everything on the wedding day, not so much the hundreds of days post nuptial. These parents are thinking only about the few years of people saying, " Oh what an interesting name!" and then later, to their friends, " What an idiot!"

Let the child's character be the most interesting part of her life. I submit naming a girl Jane or Sally, or a boy William or James requires them to rise above the commonplace nature of those names. A child named River Phoenix, however, may feel life is pointless and turn to drugs. Whatever happened to him, anyway?

And let's try to keep names somewhat consistent, please. No one named Seamus Moskovitz, or Jean-Baptist Zhang-wei. Please. Life is hard enough for all of us as it is.

So, I could go on, but I suspect you are tired.